Learning From All Our Relationships
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears of
domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or
humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and
loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections - anger,
judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance.
While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primary
relationships with a partner, these patterns are certainly activated in
friendships, work relationships, and relationships with our parents and
children. Therefore, if you are not in a primary relationship with a
partner, do not despair! You can still be learning from and evolving
through all your relationships.
Craig, one of my clients, has not been in a committed relationship for
about seven years. Yet most of the work we do together revolves around
the problems he has in his work relationships and friendships. Craig is
a person who hates to be controlled by others. As soon as he feels
someone wanting something from him such as time, attention, or approval,
he feels smothered and withdraws. He is highly sensitive to people
coming to him from an inner emptiness and "pulling" on him to fill them
up. However, his withdrawal doesn’t work well for him. When a "puller"
comes up against Craig’s resistance, the other person tends to pull even
more. Craig, who doesn’t want to appear rude, ends up giving himself up
and caretaking - giving the person what he or she wants. He then feels
angry and finds himself not even wanting to be around that person any
more. This same dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.
Craig is in the process of developing a powerful adult self who can
speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather than withdrawing or
complying. He is learning that it may be loving to himself to be open to
learning with the other person and say something like, "I feel there is
something you are wanting from me. What is it?" He is learning that it
may be loving to himself to say, "When you pull on me for approval (or
time or attention), it doesn’t feel good. I would like to have a caring
relationship with you, but I don’t want to be responsible for your good
feelings."
Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our beliefs
about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learn from each
difficult interaction. For example, if we believe we are inadequate,
unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we will tend to take personally
others’ cold or judgmental behavior toward us. We may feel rejected and
alone, and respond with anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our
painful feelings and reactive behavior can alert us to the fact that we
need to explore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know you
are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of your
self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you do, how you
perform or how you look, then you will be much less likely to take
other’s cold or judgmental behavior personally. You might respond with
understanding, compassion or with gently removing yourself from the
situation, but you would not feel hurt by other’s behavior, nor would
you get angry, resentful or withdrawn.
All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile ground
for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing to notice all
painful interactions and feelings - even to people with whom you are not
involved, such as the person who cut you off on the freeway or the clerk
at the market who was rude - you can learn much about your false beliefs
about yourself and about what you can and cannot control. Your feelings
such as anger at the person who cut you off on the freeway or resentment
toward the rude clerk are red flags that let you know it’s time to look
within and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficult feelings.
When you recognize that your feelings are coming from your own beliefs
rather than from the other’s behavior, you are on the road to personal
responsibility and the personal power that comes with that.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I
Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com
or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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