Regain the Romance and
Sparkle in Your Relationship
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist
If only relationships could be as
exciting and romantic as when we first met. You know, all that intensity,
enthusiasm, excitement and, of course, sex. I'm sure you've felt it: hating
being apart, even for a short time; being unable to concentrate on anything
else for very long; and waiting to be together again. When you are together,
you hang onto every word, marvel at every part of your lover's body, and feel
so wonderful, you smile all the time.
Does this all have to end? Are relationships doomed to predictable and boring
routines of shopping, preparing meals, doing the dishes, laundry, watching T.V.,
talking about work, taking care of the kids, fighting, and sleeping?
Definitely not. In fact, long term lovers can become even more enchanted with
each other, since their passion grows from a deeper knowledge and fondness for
each other. But time alone does not help a relationship to fourish-it requires
a willingness to take risks, and special, persistent attention.
Many couples love each other deeply, and genuinely enjoy each others' company,
yet feel that the relationship is stale. They long for some of the old
intensity, romance, and spontaneity. Others don't see the need for that
intensity, or even believe that it's possible to feel that again. They assume
that intensity exists only at the beginning of a relationship, and that
"mature love" is more settled and less exciting. While how we feel toward each
other certainly changes and evolves over the years, the truth is that our
relationships reflect what we put into them.
Children can be so carefree and loving because they have lived for just a few
years-a much shorter time in which to accumulate negative experiences and
build up feelings of resentment, anger, and mistrust. Relationships are
similar to this. In the beginning, we don't know each other very well, and
aren't carrying around resentments from past interactions with each other. As
the years go by, these resentments accumulate. We no longer look at our
partner with the same fresh, unjudging eyes.
It can help to look at our partner with a fresh look, let go of past baggage,
and remember all the reasons we love her/him so much. This means stretching
past any resentments, and opening up to feeling and giving love more fully.
So, how can you regain some of that old spark? Start out by thinking about
your partner and all the reasons that you love her/him. Ask yourself:
what s/he means to you;
what it is about her/him that you love;
when was the last time that you told her/him how much you love her/him in a
real feeling way; and
whether you have written her/him a love letter, or left a love note under
her/his pillow or in her/his briefcase recently.
Give yourself permission to creatively express your love. You can make a card,
a little book of love, coupons s/he redeems with you for a massage, dinner, or
whatever you know s/he'd enjoy. You could write a love poem, sing to her/him,
or read an erotic passage out of a book. Don't be shy; your partner will be
touched by the love you put into it.
Consider doing something silly with your lover that you used to do when you
first dated, no matter how silly it seems-in fact, the sillier the better.
Take time to enjoy your partner. Let the dishes and laundry pile up if
necessary.
Need some more ideas? Here's a few:
Surprise your sweetie with tickets to an event you think s/he'd really enjoy.
Hide them where s/he'll find them.
Take her/him out on a date where s/he gets to choose whatever s/he wants to
do, even if it's something you wouldn't ordinarily want to do (remember to be
gracious).
Take turns planning weekly dates, where you take turns deciding what to do. A
date could be a picnic in a park, a drive in the country, a trip to an art
gallery, or a movie.
Turn your home into a fine restaurant for one evening. Surprise your lover
with a menu, music, candles, a delicious meal, and table service (that's you).
If you're frequently too busy to find time together, make spending time
together a priority. Show your partner that s/he is your priority.
Take a day off from all responsibilities, including the telephone, and just do
what you both really want to do. Be completely spontaneous, and if you can't
agree, take turns doing what you both want.
Devote yourself to your partner's wishes for a fixed amount of time. S/he gets
to decide whatever s/he wants you to do (assuming you agree to it). S/he may
want to be held, have you read poetry, receive a massage, be understood about
something, have you clean the kitchen, or be taken out for coffee. Taking
turns with this can be a lot of fun.
Be playful with each other. Feed each other with your fingers, stay in bed all
day, take a walk in the rain, sing old tunes you both know, or have a pillow
fight. It doesn't matter what you do, just that you have fun again.
Find a time to look deeply and lovingly into your lover's eyes; words are not
necessary. Look at her/his face and see her/his beauty and uniqueness. Tell
her/him what you see and feel. Take the risk to feel the depth of your
emotions and to share that with your lover. At night before you fall asleep,
tell her/him something that you love about her/him. Remember, you're the one
who knows what your lover really enjoys. Surprise her/him with something
special-don't wait for a birthday or anniversary.
The idea is, no matter what you do, make it special.
These are just a few suggestions to help you regain some of the sparkle in
your relationship. Don't be afraid to let your imagination go wild, or to
appear silly. Your partner will enjoy the love and thought you've put into it,
and over time you may find your relationship feeling vibrant once more.
© Kali Munro, 1998, 2000.
http://www.KaliMunro.com
About the Author
Kali Munro,
M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She has
twenty years experience specializing in a variety of issues including sexual
abuse, relationships, sexuality, eating disorders, and body image. She
provides individual and couple therapy in Toronto, as well as online. She
offers free healing resources at her web site about relationships, abuse,
sexuality, and much more. Check out her inspiring and healing site
www.KaliMunro.com
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